why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
