I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
two words: eviction party
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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