I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
