I got chris browned last night
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
