Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
