sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
