I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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