so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
