I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Randomize
