it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
