my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize