hell yes lets make some ravioli
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
