I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
