i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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