fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
