Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
