I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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