my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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