I just cut my nipple shaving
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
