The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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