Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
