A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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