Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
