Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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