I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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