Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
