When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize