i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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