Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Alive.
So much puke
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
