the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
