In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You're like the curious george of whores
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
