I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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