there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
