My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
