The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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