So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
