I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
