My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
