i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
