if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
