I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize