Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Why is your signature on my underwear?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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