you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
