can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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