allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
