I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
whose parrot is this?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
