so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
