Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
