You made me cry and you don't even care
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
