she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
