last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
