I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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