I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
