I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
