Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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