I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
